So you met someone who you really liked and felt you had a connection with.
You were attracted to him at so many levels and you thought it was reciprocated.
You dated for a little while (at least a few weeks), you felt everything was going well and suddenly he disappeared.
Well, it seems that you just experienced what is known in the dating jargon as Ghosting.
So now you are wondering what the heck just happened? why did he withdraw himself without prior warning when he appeared to be very much interested in you?
Not only ghosting can be very disturbing because of the confusion state it leaves you in but It can also be very painful if you have already invested yourself emotionally into the budding “relationship”.
The first time I was ghosted, I tried to make all sorts of excuses for the guys and find all sorts of “logical” explanations to what was happening such as:
- If he is taking hours/days/weeks to reply back to my messages or to call me back, it is just because he is busier than he used to be when we first started dating.
- If he disappears for weeks from the radar while still being present on social media, it is just because he has a “ problem” that requires all his attention.
- He is not replying back because he is with his friends and family.
- There must be a good explanation to this
- He is testing me to see if I really like him, because surely he really likes me
In retrospect, all these explanation are total nonsense if you ask me, because I was looking for any other reason than the obvious.
I never really considered ( or never wanted to consider) of the one single logical explanation that is he doesn’t like me anymore or never actually liked me that much in the first place…my already fragile self-esteem would not take it.
I took me a few ghosting episodes to understand what was really happening.
The truth is rather simple, but we women never like to admit simple truths to ourselves when they can hurt our feelings.
Ghosting has one and only one explanation in 99% of the cases : The guy’s interest level in you has dropped below a critical level and he no longer wants to entertain a relationship with you…that simple.
but why did his interest level drop when he seemed really keen to date you?
Here are the 5 most likely reasons that no man will ever admit to you.
1. He is completely turned off by a small detail about you
Many of my male friends admitted to me that they were completely turned-off by a small detail about a woman they were dating, and I was surprised by how often that detail was so insignificant to me and would have been so for most women.
Depending on which category your man belongs to, your little imperfection will either trigger his instincts and stimulate his desire for you, or not bother him, or in the worst cases turn him off completely.
I heard men saying they were turned off by:
- The size of her toes (I thought men would not even notice that…)
- Her natural smell ( or smell of her skin) (She could be perfectly clean but he did not like the natural smell of her body)
- The touch of her skin (He just does not like the feeling of her hands on his body)
- She talked too much (It got to a point where it irritated him).
- She irritated him ( too bossy, too masculine, too feminist…this is not a joke)
They admitted that although they noticed it early on in the dating process, they continued seeing the woman and tried to simply ignore what was bothering them, until it became omnipresent and completely eliminated any erotic desire they had for that woman, and that’s when they simply ghosted her.
2. You moved too fast
This one is a well-known reason why men pull away and ghost women.
When a guy feels it is going too fast, it scares him. It is that simple.
And it is not that he is scared of a relationship at all, but he is scared when he feels he is being rushed into one.
He feels he is no longer given a choice and he no longer wants you because of that.
There is a reason why they say
Slow and steady wins the race
By taking your time, you are allowing the courtship process take place properly, you are letting emotional bonds to develop, you are allowing the attraction to build up and intensify, and it is much more exciting and interesting.
3. There is no sexual compatibility
Actual sexual compatibility is defined as the extent to which similarities exist between actual turn-ons and turn-offs for each partner.
Perceived sexual compatibility is a reflection of the extent to which individuals perceive their partners to share sexual beliefs, preferences, needs, and desires ( Offman & Matheson, 2005).
In plain English, it means that if your partner and you do not share similar turn-ons and turn-offs sexually speaking, you probably have a low sexual compatibility.
The turn ons and offs could be a visual, a smell, a touch, a sound, an attitude, or a combination of these.
What often happens is that one partner (for example the man) had an active sexual life and knows himself very well and what excites him or turns him off as a result , while the other partner (for example the woman) has not been through that same journey of exploration and understanding of herself and naively thinks that the sexual relationship is limited to the sexual act.
She does not seek to understand her partner sexual fantasies and desires, something that a lot of my male friends complain about.
Another common complain that I keep hearing from men is that their sexual partner is not open to experimentation.
Don’t get me wrong, everyone is different and no one should force oneself to align with their partner sexual preferences.
But women need to understand that men can potentially walk away if they do not feel the sexual connection and are not able to achieve sexual satisfaction.
Sex is really not a quantity or a frequency or a performance thing but rather is a way to connect with our deepest fantasies and desires held in our psyche.
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4. He is disenchanted after he idealized you
Sometimes a man ghosts a woman after he realized she is not as good as he thought she was and feels cheated.
He decides then to simply disappear as he feels she is no longer worth his time nor his efforts.
It might be his fault that he idealized her during an extended phase of texting and calling before meeting in real life (which often happens when you meet someone online) and is just hit by how far the reality is from what he imagined.
When we have little information to form an opinion about a person, we often use our imagination to fill in the blanks with rather good things (as we really put our hopes on that person).
A good advice if you are dating men online is to try and meet them as soon as you can, so that you know where your relationship stands fast and don’t waste time in the process.
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5. He is not completely over his ex
Last but not least, is when you man is not emotionally available.
We all know that being on a dating site does not always mean we are completely over our ex’s.
and this might be just the case with your man.
If you start dating a man who is not completely over his ex, for whatever reason, he will compare everything about you to her, the way you look, the way you behave, the way you talk, how he feels around you…and if you are not better than her, it will just reinforce the idea that his ex was the best girl he had ever been with and he will no longer see the value in dating you.
It could be that he was aware of his unavailability from the beginning and was looking for nothing but a rebound relationship.
He knew you were only going to be a short chapter in his life and he ghosted you as soon as he got some validation from you and the instant gratification that comes with it.
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