The first time I was ghosted, I was totally unprepared for it.
Ghosting wasn’t as common as it is today ( people still had some decency to them back then), so I had no idea what just happened then.
I kept trying to reach out by all means I had to my disposal, until I eventually got sick and tired of chasing him and I decided to stop.
But the pain I felt did not stop right away, I was so hurt and so confused that I lost all joy of life for a long while ( I dare not share it here because it’s too embarrassing hahaha).
Why did he do that? was the single question that hunted me for months.
In retrospect, the reason I was so hurt was that I did not protect my feelings from being ghosted or simply disappointed from a relationship.
I did not prepare my mind for the possibility of a failure as long as I was seeing evidence that this man liked me or was into me.
But as you will understand reading this post, a man showing you that he likes you is no guarantee that he ain’t pulling away and ghosting you down the line.
And this is even more valid in today’s dating world where ghosting has become common. people don;t bother explaining themselves anymore and don’t have the courage to be truthful, so they see ghosting as an easy way out.
When I say that, I am not diminishing the wrongs that ghosting can cause, ghosting is still a terrible thing and I wish things were different.
More than ever before, It’s more important to be ready for this sort of behavior and protect your feelings when it occurs, and this is how:
1. High expectation low attachment
In other words, expect the best to happen but have very low attachment to the outcome.
When we start dating or even when we get to the relationship phase, we tends to focus only on the positives, on the reasons why it could work out, until eventually we fall in the wishful thinking trap.
So we start seeing what we hope things should be, not how things really are, and we get attached to our wishes. It’s just our human nature and we are all guilty of that sometimes.
If you want to protect your feelings, you should have very little attachment to whatever the outcome of this relationship might be…and the only way to do it is to be intentional about it.
Hope of the best and give him your absolute best but remind yourself every day not to get attached to whatever expectations you formed in your mind just because you made all these efforts.
If you think about it, the only thing you can control is yourself.
You cannot control other people therefore you cannot control the outcome of any interaction because that depends on someone else.
You are also only responsible for yourself and what you do. You should not take responsibility for a relationship and take on all the blame if it does not work out.
Only when you are given solid reasons to get attached that you allow yourself some form of attachment. – Reasons such as him showing high interest in you consistently over time –
If you don’t allow yourself to get attached to the outcome, you won’t get hurt as much if he ghosts you.
You will just think to yourself that you did your best but it did not work out and you will move on.
I learned this principle from the book “The Success Principles” by Jack Canfield. The book is not about relationships but its principles can be applied in any situation in life.
When you start expecting things to happen that depend on someone else, that’s when you lose power over yourself and you become low value.
This is how you achieve this mindset:
- You need to remember that relationships (or any human interactions) are uncertain by nature, and that feelings need to be reciprocated in order to allow yourself to develop any sort of attachment. In other words, your attachment should be conditional. Not given for free.
- You should always have at the back of your mind that not all men you like will like you back…In fact it is a rare occurrence in life.
- You should expect everything from yourself and nothing from other people.
- Realizing that people come and go is part of life but you simply cannot afford to experience it as the end of the world each time someone leaves your life.
- You need to have full confidence in your ability to attract as many quality men as you want ( on demand) and that you always have options (abundance mindset, see point … below).
- Don’t fear a negative outcome of a relationship because you always assume it is your base scenario.
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2. You don’t need closure
I know it is easier said than done.
But in today’s world where ghosting has become men’s favorite way of breaking up, you need to accept the idea that you don’t really need closure to move you.
Of course there is a part of you that wants to understand what happened, that wants to know why, and of course you are entitled to feeling frustrated because of lack of closure.
But if you look at it from a different angle, you will see again that you cannot control what other people do and that if you attempt to, you will do yourself no service because you will waste just your time and your energy.
Your energy is better spent going out there and meeting new people or taking care of yourself.
He does not want to give closure…so be it.
To help you with that, I wrote an extensive post on why you don’t need closure after a breakup which is also relevant to a ghosting situation.
The main take on from my post is that a ghosting situation always means one thing, that a man does not want you, Period.
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3. Separate your worth from other people’s view of you
Ultimately, most people struggle with ghosting because it undermines their sense of self-worth.
It makes them feel inadequate and unlovable.
If you can relate, don’t worry because we all felt that way the first time or even the 3rd time we were ghosted…I certainly did.
But you know what I learned?
My value has nothing to do with what some guy perceives me to be at a point in time
First of all, he cannot not get the full extend of my being in a few dates…I am a complex creature.
And second, maybe he does not see your value because has unrealistic expectations.
Women are like pictures: of no value in the hands of a fool till the hears men of sense bid high for the purchase -George Farguhas.
Don’t forget that most of the time, people’s opinions depend on their emotional state too, their insecurities and their ego.
And finally, maybe he did not like me but I am not supposed to be liked by everyone…I still have a value and I only need to be liked by one person really.
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You should be the only person who determines your value and draw a clear line between your worth and what other people think of you as a person,
In the next post, I am going to share with you how to react when you get ghosted if you haven’t had a chance to prepare yourself mentally before being ghosted.
If you want to implement this faster and become a high value woman that men are crazy about, you can check out the self-help program His Secret Obsession.
This program will show you how to transform yourself by understanding the dynamics of relationships and inter sexual relationships.
It will take you deep into a man’s mind and psychology and will demystify what men really want and need for you.
You will be better equipped after the program to create the a loving and secure relationship whether you are currently single trying to date men or already in a relationship.. Check it out here.